Until I Find Peace

“Do you really think you’ve changed?” My head bangs against the metal of the subway car, still warm from the person sitting there before me. I dozed off again, forgot my headphones so my head rang off on my commute home. The silence kills me because it only gives room to my thoughts and the music kills me because it hides them away.

I can barley function, I can barley breathe but here I am anyway. So many people suffer everyday but here I sit on the subway. I have a home, I have a husband, I have a career and family. Yet every second, every day... I fantasize about it being torn away.

This is real. I want to die, for no reason but my own mind. She is evil and She sees me gone but the pain I’m feeling will give way. I love my husband. I want him to feel safe, but he sleeps in the bed of a monster. I want my sisters to know their sister loves them... but my mind has led her astray. My father is my savior, he did what God couldn’t do... but this is not His work. My mother has loved me, helped and pleaded... but I am a curse.

Please help, I am trapped in this night and day dream. It’s not real and it’s not fake, it is reality. I am a ghost and pain is not my fear, feeling is my demise.

I don’t want a damn thing. All of this shit must go. All of this is trash. There is not a plan B. This is just a shit show. This is just a sick goal. I am only passing. I am nearly conscious. I didn’t know I could get this low. And I don’t know where to go.

Why do I work for things I don’t need? Why do I even try? My soul is attached to a world that’s not here, I must say to everyone, goodbye.

I want you to understand but you never will. They need Me on the other side.

But somehow. I'm still here. Like a sick joke. I need peace.