Was looking forward to being important, but I'm not important yet.

The past few months have been trying. I uprooted a life I had made in Los Angeles and drove it all the way back to Brooklyn. I would be lying if I said it’s been an easy road. I’m in my home but I’ve never felt so alone. The pressure I’ve put on myself and the pressure the public has been putting on me has been taking it’s toll. You all see what you want on my social media and write to me about what I’m doing with my life or what I should be doing with my life. I’ve been more silent than normal on my platforms including this blog because I don’t know what to tell you people. I don’t know what I am to you. I’m struggling to figure out who I am right now and that’s more important than what I am to you.

I’m home but I’m alone. I don’t know anyone here anymore and I’m not where I want to be at in my career. As I started college out here and studying wine I’ve struggled with a familiar feeling of not fitting in. Am I smart enough? Am I meant for this industry? This isn’t just a job, I don’t just drink wine and have fun. I put in hours and days and nights. I’ve sacrificed my mental health to push myself to where I have to for my career and nothing is happening as fast as I want it to. And maybe it would be easier if I didn’t build this brand and feel like I had something to prove to you people as well.

I haven’t had the time I used to have to dedicate to working with the charities I care for. I haven’t had the time to see the doctors I have to. I just keep pushing thinking that I only know that I have no other direction to go in but forward. But am I going forward? I honestly don’t know. People pat me on the shoulder and say “congratulations” or “you’re doing great” but am I? I can tell myself I have what millions of people don’t have every day but that doesn’t quench any of my desires. Does that just make me human?

To be honest I just feel like I’m at another bottom. Which is hilarious considering I’ve come from the bottoms of addiction and homelessness but this is a different bottom. I’ve climbed very high for myself and now I’m halfway hanging off the ladder wondering where the next wrung is and wondering why it feels so far from my grasp. These next few leaps of my life are not gradual and quickly successful like the past few years of my life. They are slow, conscious and exhausting. They don’t give me immediate gratification and leave me wondering which step I’m supposed to take next.

I’m pushing but maybe this is a PSA to get off my fucking back. I don’t know what you’re looking for from me but I’m not some workless droid for you to follow and like online to keep up a pristine imagine. You all know that when I first started talking candidly about my mental illness. I’m a woman struggling too so you can be human with me or turn me into something I’m not. I make my struggles public in the slight possibility I could be helping someone out there who is surrounded by people but still feel alone. That’s why I’m here. Just a lonely person trying to remind other people like me that we’re out here too. I thought I owed you all something but the ups and downs of the last few months have showed me that I need to focus on me, so that’s what I’ll be doing. Follow along if you’re a positive influence but walk on if you’re anything else. My come-up has been a decade long journey and it will never end but this isn’t a fairytale and it’s time to stop expecting that from me.

The death of Anthony is hitting us all. I can see it in my industry. He was an inspiration especially because he talked about things like mental health, addiction, the struggles of our industry publicly and raw.

I've been in this industry for ten years. I've currently been at an absolute miserable job that was making me lose faith in this business. When I heard about Anthony it hurt. Like it hurt all of us. As a suicide survivor myself it shut me up and reminded me how short life is. I've been killing myself physically and mentally, putting my mental illness on the back burner for a paycheck. I quit my job yesterday. I'm going to be in the restaurant industry forever, but I will be damned if I let it destroy my happiness and mental health. I love you guys. There is a bright adventure in front of me and I can't wait for you all to hear about it but it will have to wait. I have a lot of things I need to do to get myself in a mentally and physically positive place especially after getting hit by that damn taxi last week. I'm still here but I'm making silent moves to pursue my dream, not someone else's. I love you all. Stay tuned. I do have great news for the end of the month.

🎼 Have I done my best here or will I be here next year or are these my best years yet?
Was looking forward to being important but I'm not important yet.

If you put this scene on a movie screen, is it called a happy end?
If the world gets me where I'm supposed to be will I know I've made it then?
It's so hard. Can we skip to the good part?

These things take time.
Mom and dad, they have a good life.
But what am I gonna do with mine? 🎼