First Trip in a While. Last Trip for a While.

Today. Finally. A full psychedelic trip. I haven’t had one in months, not since moving back to New York City. Which was my first mistake. Not following my microdosing schedule was the second detrimental mistake. Through spring and summer my episodes and alcoholism resurfaced. I thought nothing of it. 

Maybe the episodes are getting worse because of stress. 

Black out drunk and a stint in the Psychiatric Ward, damn I must be really stressed.

I got hit by a car and was disabled, maybe that triggered the depression. 

(Psst, hey dipshit maybe it’s because you stopped your psychedelic regimen)

I am seeing a therapist. I’ve promised to try prescription medication for my mental illness. 90 days. We agreed 90 days for me to be on the meds. That begins in four weeks. To be honest I can’t be a true researcher, advocate or even have substantial proof that psychedelics cure me until I’ve tried the legal way. So I will be “sober” but medicated and give it a try. 

Cuddle by  Alex Grey

Cuddle by Alex Grey

Today I tripped and like in the past - became whole again. I settled in at Domino Park in Brooklyn. Watching the Manhattan skyline start to shape shift, just slightly, almost unnoticeable to someone who hasn’t done this before. But the visuals were not what caught me. It was the peace. I’ve been dipping in and out of a pool of depression and mania, drowning, for a few months now. Ah. Peace. All the fractured parts of my mind that don’t connect properly because of the mental illness that everyone tells me will never connect ——— click. When I’m tripping I not only feel normal emotions but I understand my emotions. (Feeling normal emotions, check. Greater understanding, check.)

Why is it such a big deal to feel normal emotions? Well because when I’m sober I feel emotions and usually none of them are normal. They are extreme. I either cannot get out of bed depressed or I am over-hyper, highly stimulated manic. Some emotions are manageable. Sometimes I’ll start crying over something there’s no reason to cry over. Or I will completely detach myself from reality. I’ll force myself to feel nothing. Because feeling nothing is sometimes less painful than feeling everything.

Anyway, all day I’ve felt normal. At peace. My emotions were accounted for, any and all issues with my husband were brought to light on both ends and resolved in only a way I can describe as a mutual understanding of how I, my illness, he and the universe work together. So - no arguments. Just issues being resolved between a married couple without the daunting and malignant ego in the picture. Because ego didn’t exist today. Just admission, discussion, resolve and love. No matter the sensitivity of the subject. (Peaceful, spiritual, physical, emotional rekindling with my husband, check. No baggage in the marriage, check. Sex with husband on psychedelics, extra check.)

And as we come down and trek back to our cozy Brooklyn apartment I encompass all that I’ve learned for the day when I lay with him on our bed, the glow of street lights shining on our sheets, simply tangled in each other, foreheads pressed, noses kissing. Tears streaming down my face slowly as I remind him:

Ocean of Love Bliss by  Alex Grey

Ocean of Love Bliss by Alex Grey

“The episodes will come back, but remember those are not your wife. This is Me. Right now. This is the real Me.”

“I know. I can see it in your eyes.”

It pains me that I won’t continue this research while I abide by trying prescription medication. My hypothesis is they will work but in a way that strictly levels me. Which is all they’re meant to do. However, if all they do is level me… they’ve already lost. Not because the drugs didn’t do their job. They’ll do their job. But I doubt they can regulate my mental illness, my perception of humanity, my perception of my self, strengthen the physical and emotional bond between my husband and I, oh, and curb my alcoholism all at once. All I need is a tab of acid, 12 hours, a park and some tacos. That’s probably cheaper than the drugs I’m going to get from the doctor. Me trying to be unbiased and open mined about prescription medication. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know it sounds crazy that psychedelics may be a cure all but I don’t want a drink, I’ve reconnected with my husband and not only has my depression lifted but I’ve gained more perspective on how to keep it at bay. Let’s chat when I’m trialing the legal way of managing Bipolar 1. I am trying to keep an open mind and being honest with my doctors. But if psychedelics can do all of this with no adverse side effects… can we fucking talk about it some more? LINKS BELOW.


Love Always,

Rachael Madori