Just A Barbecue

I experienced something really beautiful last night. Now for some odd reason people assume I’m the kind of girl who always had friends and a pretty laid back positive life. That may be because of how I’ve turned out at such a young age, I like to think I’m a decent human being. But in all honesty the concept of friends is a foreign thing to me. There are people that I was close with while growing up but in the past year I’ve found myself in a friendship that has blossomed into something I didn’t even know existed. This woman is so genuine and kind I can't even believe she stands someone like me, to be honest. She's gorgeous but not selfish or fake. She's taught me that there are good people in the world. And not only am I so grateful to have met this one specific woman, I’ve made so many new connections because of this. Coming from a person with borderline personality disorder and social anxiety I don’t know if I can effectively describe why what happened last night brought me near to tears. It sounds silly, I hope no one who was there last night reads this. “Oh my god this fucking girl is crazy all we did was have a barbecue and she’s getting all existential.” Anyway, fuck you I’m a total sap.

Three delightful men are whipping up a stellar barbecue feast. I smell ribs, baked beans, grilled vegetables and wine. The model house I’m staying at is at capacity but not in a bad way. I’m not close with all the women there but this is the first time since I began to stay at model houses that everyone seemed to vibe together. While a group of girls doll themselves up for a night out, I’m in the main part of the house keeping a good playlist going for the guys while they cook and my closer girlfriends dance about. Long story short, not a moment was without laughter or excitement. The entire energy just felt like a family. I say that like I never had a close family, which in the grand scheme of things I really didn’t. My parents never got divorced and my three sisters and I sat down and had dinner at the table every night but that doesn’t say much. I never experienced that sisterly connection or close knit family feeling. Our relationship only ended up improving when I moved out.

So I’m sitting at the table watching all of this happen around me. The smell of the ribs permeating my nose, making my mouth water while everyone is dancing and laughing. Finally the guys yell that the feast is ready and the girls and I grab plates like savage animals. We all make it outside to the table on a perfectly cool night. As we sit down to eat we actually say grace. Whether some took it to heart and others as something more comical, it felt unifying. And that’s when I started to get the feeling that compelled me to write today.

Like I said earlier, I wouldn’t be surprised if no one last night feels this way. It may be due to the stress in my life the past month or the odd void I’ve felt since I was young. This void isn’t pertaining to romance, but to friendship and community. Or it could be because I was staring at a group of people that I truly did trust. I don’t give people much credit. Whether that’s because I’m jaded or realistic, feeling that comfortable in such an intimate and social setting isn't like me. This feeling can also be described as a sense of completion. Not only have I been lucky enough to find and love my soulmate but I’ve found myself this small outlet of amazing people. My whole life the term “friendship” meant very little to me. And despite what anyone who knows me may say, I’ve never experienced a support system like this before. In two weeks my entire life is being moved to California. Soon the life my man and I have together is going to mesh with this group of people that have changed my life. I feel whole. I’ve never felt whole.

Let me just explain what I mean by “whole”. I’ve tried to explain the kind of person I used to be before. I’m going to use one word and one word only: chameleon. I distinctly remember juggling so many different facades, styles and personalities. It may have stemmed from my constant need to please and never disappoint anyone, but I was a god damn actress (look at what I do now). Everything I did, everything I said and everything I believed came from everyone around me. My mind was a drone, a mindless robot that repeated everything whether it was what my parents told me or what my “friends” told me. How pathetic is that? That I never wanted to think for myself. I could fit any mold and I did. It was all fake. What kind of person disregards who they are as a person for twenty years? I mean it took me this long to remove the God complex I placed on my parents. It was like I stepped out of a fucking cloud of smoke when realized they're also just humans. I’ve felt so lost for so long and I can thank being a drug addict on her last leg to thank for changing my life for the better. When I hit rock bottom two years ago and came out of it, that’s when I changed. That’s when I stopped giving a tittly fuck about being anything less than genuine. That’s when I learned confidence and self awareness. There isn’t a god damn thing you could say to me these days that would make me second guess who I am. I have the man in my life and my new found friendships to also thank for that. These people know who I am with no facade. I finally know what it’s like to be loved for me, not for my mask.

Look at me how ridiculous I am sitting on this plane on the verge of crying. I remember when I used to be so emotionless I thought I was a sociopath. Now I’m like a fucking Build-A-Bear stuffed with nothing but fluffy shit.