Dark Bar & Dark Moods
I'll paint the picture.
Sitting in a dark bar, packed with people as it's Friday night on Hollywood Blvd. But I got a seat at the very end of the bar with a Guinness in my hand. Headphones in and dark music throbbing in my ears - I'm here but not really. The guy next to me may be trying to have a conversation but I'm not here right now. “Well why even show up to a bar if you want to be alone?” Because sometimes we all have that feeling of crawling into a negative space. All these done up women searching for something and men trying to find it is sad to me. Sure, most of them are probably just having a good time but I feel like I'm in a movie. I'm not here. I'm not real. But I want to throw myself in the middle of it.
I had a few mood swings at work today. Some people noticed. Some didn't. I don't care anymore. This feels slightly manic. This feeling to go out and party - which is not my normal state. So I walk into this den, do a car bomb then order a beer to sip on. If my man knew that's where I was and why I was doing it - he would swoop in like the true hero he is and save me. Bring me home, wrap me in love and curb this dangerous feeling inside me that is making me favor darkness. But I lied - said I was going out with friends. He’ll know as soon as I have him read this. I'll tell him then because my words here will be more eloquent. More understandable.
I want to be inappropriate. I want to be wild and crazy and delve into dangerous things right now. I want to do things so out of my character, so clearly not my personality. At least I'm at a point in my treatment where I can recognize these feelings and curb them slightly by being the weirdo at the bar. Is this mania or depression? That I can't tell. But I've never blogged during an episode like this.
He'll be off work soon and call me home. I'll go and his warmth will remind me I won't let my brain force me into decisions that would hurt us. I'm notorious for being unfaithful in previous relationships. Yes, my fault, but it is a severe personality disorder symptom - but it's not the real Rachael. The true me keeps promises and respects my man, but I have to be aware that I cannot trust my brain. A symptom of BPD is loving a person one moment and not the next. When I feel the temptations to engage in questionable behavior when I know the only man for me is Zak - I know it's the disease taking control over. But right now? I'm a ghost watching all these people around me. I want to engage to feel something - to disappear from this rollercoaster in hell I ride on every day in my mind. But I've learned, slowly over the years, I've learned.
I'll indulge in this beer. Let the alcohol numb something, anything. I know it and everyone else does too. Sitting here - I feel like I'm in a controlled experiment. Teasing myself with what I want, or rather the diseased part of my brain wants, while simultaneously trying to hang onto the control the real me has. I feel like an animal in a cage.
It's kind of like walking on a tightrope. I know I can fall. I know I can ruin everything. But I trust my true capabilities enough that I won’t.
I see a new doctor Monday. I think that'll help. I'm sure he will try to give me a cocktail of pills to stabilize me. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I know the psychedelics help. But what I tripped on a couple days ago didn't seem to work as well as acid. I'm assuming the more mental, stronger thought provoking and longer lasting drug is better suited to regulate me. I will try two tabs before I try any pills recommended. A couple months ago the LSZ I tripped on brought me completely back to baseline and truly healed me for a much longer period of time. Treatment is all about finding what works.
Either way, my beer is almost gone so I'll fight this urge to dance with a stranger and drink myself into a coma. I'll enjoy this tiny piece of cake that's out of my character that I've had thus far. And then I'll walk down Hollywood Blvd to pass by all the strange people that just seem like actors in a big scheme to convince me there is a happy, normal world outside of the storm of my own mind. I'll walk into the arms of my love and he’ll make me feel safe. He'll be scared that I'm feeling this way because he doesn't know how to help. But he's still here - he's still my best friend. He never signed up for this but he's my rock. I'll hold my dog and he’ll love me like no other creature. I'll take something to help me sleep, lay my head on my pillow and pray that tomorrow I can go a full day without strapping myself into this rollercoaster.
I used to like rollercoasters.