I feel like a lot of people take sleep for granted. We stay up late. Hang on to the night. Don’t look forward to the next day. I’m guilty of that but I notice it more when I’m suffering from insomnia. Even though I live with the love of my life, the sleepless nights in my own home are some of the most lonely times. I’m not sure if it’s the mood swings, chemical imbalance, paranoia or anxiety that can keep me awake - all I know is wandering around the house alone in the dark is common to me.
I envy Zak when I see him sleeping soundly next me. I’m guilty of getting angry at him even though none of this is his fault. I’ll lay next to him at bed time and pray that tonight is a night I get to sleep all the way through.
Once he falls asleep with the pup snoring in-between us, I wait for the peace of sleep to come over me. I don’t always find it. I can never tell when it’s going to happen because the reasons change.
Sometimes my paranoia keeps me awake. My imagination gets the best of me, manufacturing horrible situations in my mind that could happen in the night which keep me on edge. I’ve spent some nights staring at the front door, awaiting something to come. Nothing ever does but that doesn't make it stop.
When I don’t get to sleep I’m trying to make peace with the night. I listen to the sounds outside in the city, I try to appreciate my home and how different it is when the sun goes down but that doesn’t make it any less lonely.
What’s the worst is watching the sun rise. Usually something so beautiful, it turns into a reminder that the entire day will exhaust me physically and mentally.
The last time I was alone in my mind and my home at night I decided to take some photos of how I felt. Lingering in my living room among my multi-color lights - I snapped some pictures.
Things seem to progressing in a negative way for me mentally lately because I haven’t had the time for psychedelic therapy. Although I must admit working five days a week and taking college courses the other two has given me great distractions.
It feels good to be productive but I know I have to address my inner self soon. This period of time is the longest I’ve gone without tripping. I have one planned in the next couple weeks, I’m hoping that helps my sleep as well as my state day to day.