I was just sitting here at my dining room table after a long day. As I sit here and look at these flowers on my table I’m smiling. Like I said in my previous Twitter post, I think people take smiles for granted. I’m going to let you guys in on what has happened to me the past few weeks.
The reason I’m so happy that I’m able to smile right now is because I wasn’t able to a few weeks ago. Physically, mentally, spiritually - I was dead. A zombie. Zak told me when he kissed me he felt no love and when he looked in my eyes he saw nothing. Can you understand how serious that is? Take a look into someones eyes right now. Eyes hold everything. The saying that our eyes are the windows to our souls is the truest thing. When I was depressed there was nothing there. I had a dream the day before it decided to take over.
I was laying in my bed. I didn’t know this was a dream. It had to be real. It felt real. I was just laying in my bed, everything was the same but then I looked up. When I looked up I saw a grainy, smokey dark mass above my bed. It’s expanse was probably about ten feet and it hovered above me and it was alive, it had an essence. It was angry, violent and demanding. The second I saw it I started talking to it sternly.
“No, you have no power here.” It glided closer to my face. “NO!” I started screaming. “You have no power!” But I was cut off. I was suffocated by the dark cloud as it spiraled into my face, down my throat, through my eyes, into my brain. I felt like I was drowning. And then I woke Zak up screaming.
I know it was just a dream. My mind was trying to make sense of the illness that was about to come over me. The next few days consisted of feeling like a walking corpse. I was trapped, screaming from the inside out. Clawing with no escape. I went through the motions of existing. I drove. I kissed my man. I poured a glass of milk. All while feeling like a puppet controlled by a dark master begging me to kill myself. Physically I couldn’t smile. Zak tried to make me look in the mirror and what I saw terrified me for some reason. I literally could not look myself in the eyes. I bursted into manic tears. I screamed at nothing while driving in the car. Screaming for it to stop making me have thoughts of killing myself. I forced myself to be around people so I couldn’t kill myself. I knew what was happening but I couldn’t stop it so I did what I had to do to keep myself physically safe.
This went on for days until this song came on in my car and something snapped in my brain. It didn’t cure the depression or stop it abruptly but for some reason the tune resonated deeply within me. It ignited the kindling to start the fire that would burn away the darkness. I think it was the brass. I’ve always had a deep positive connection to the sound of brass instruments for some reason. They just touch my soul a certain way no other sound does.
I blasted the song, screaming, crying and laughing. I threw my car in park, left the keys in the console and went for a run. I ran for blocks and blocks through Hollywood. I started to feel the darkness dissipate. The tar that was saturating my soul started to thin out as I ran. My muscles burned. Things I hadn’t felt in days started to spark inside of me. Emotion, something I hadn’t known while in my zombified state, starting coming back to me. I smiled, a crazy smile, but a smile none the less. Slowly I felt the warmth of light well up inside me and I just kept running. I started to feel my body again, my skin, my hair - I was taking my mind and body back over. I was gaining control of it again. While I ran I screamed “You don’t have power over me anymore! Get the fuck out! I’m done!” And then I stopped running. Panting at the intersection of 3rd and Orlando my mind, MY mind - ME, gained complete control again.
I know that the chemical imbalance in my brain had finally regulated itself. Let me say that I have nothing against people who take antidepressants. I 100% recommend anyone suffering with mental illness to listen to their doctor/therapist/psychiatrist that they trust. Not being medicated is my own personal conviction. Every single case is different. I’m not a doctor. Do not look to me as one. I’m here for transparency - not recommendations.
The dark wave of depression had finally ebbed. You’ve seen movies where someone is hypnotized or is under mind control? That’s what it feels like. So I stood on that street corner in my sneakers finally as myself. I was MYSELF. I don’t know how to make someone comprehend that feeling. I made it out of the dark water. I stood up and the darkness was no longer compressing me.
The next days after that I slowly went back to normal. I could hold conversations again, I could get out of bed, I could wash the dishes and I could feel. I kissed Zak and it felt like the first time I ever kissed him. That’s how deep I fell. That’s how much the illness stripped me of emotion. I could finally notice the leaves swaying in the wind, I could notice the sun on my skin.
It is so terrifying to not be able to feel. That is why, earlier, I said people take smiling for granted. And I’m not hounding any of you because I take every emotion I feel for granted too. I’m just letting you know, I’m just letting myself know, emotions are gifts. I will try not to forget that while I’m back to normal.
Feeling happy because your Uber was on time is a gift. Feeling loved when you kiss someone is a gift. Feeling angry when you lose your keys is a gift because you are FEELING. I know I’m on an upswing now, that’s how it goes after a major downswing. That’s how this illness works. But I have my support system of people who know what’s going on, I have my means of exploring my consciousness with psychedelics, I have the confidence to admit when I need help. And I do not want sympathy, I do not want anyone to feel bad for me. What I want is for you to realize that whatever you’re feeling right now, feel it. For the love of God feel it. Because if there is one thing in this universe we cannot take for granted - it’s the ability to feel.
I’m glad to see my future again. This episode lit a fire under my ass in regards to my life goals. I came so close to not having a future that I realized none of us are owed a future. None of the days we’re living are owed to us. I’ve been taking inventory of my life, where I am and where I want to be. I’m even more grateful for my fans because you all have been so supportive the past few weeks and it means the world to me. I wouldn’t have the reach I do without you guys and I want you to know I appreciate all of you. I’m looking forward to the new steps I’m taking in my life. I’ve always had this grand master plan and I feel like it’s time to start moving in a new direction. You’ll probably be seeing me in less adult films as I plan my move back to New York City but don’t take that as me being done here. But, yes, I am changing and I can feel my life evolving into it’s next stage and I truly, truly hope you’ll come along with me.
Listen to my favorite song this week! It's very fitting!