You Can't Contour Your Personality

Let me start off by saying this - I love my job. I love expressing my sexuality. I love the fantasies I have the chance to create. I love my fans. By no means do I want my next words to imply that this industry or what I do for a living doesn’t bring me joy. However, there are some things that weigh heavily on me. Things that only after some time working in the this world have I come to realize. These are the things I am writing about.

I know that this world is dependent, majorly, on my physical appearance. I’m okay with that. Life is that way, not just my job. But how successful you are - how much money you make - how much people like you is wildly reliant on your looks. This is the case in any sort of modeling or acting career. I’m not complaining about how our world works. I’m not even complaining. I’m just speculating how, if you don’t take it in stride, it can ruin you. I’ve always thought of myself as generally attractive and I used to let that define me. I would treat people however I pleased because “I’m pretty”. That changed after I went through what I did with my depression and addiction. I came out of rock bottom a better person for it. But sometimes this business will try to drag me back to that ignorant mindset. I can see how it consumes people. Every day I’m faced with women and men alike who put all their cards in their looks. It makes you feel a certain way when you wake up every morning and know that you wouldn’t be able to make money today if you looked in the mirror and saw something deemed less desirable. I can take it. I can handle not being perfect in everyones eyes. But the amount of women I’ve met who hold this aspect of them as their best quality is painful. I’ve seen this business turn men and women with so much potential into selfish and egotistical monsters. So here I find myself struggling. I need to stay beautiful. I need to stay fit. I need to be appealing. And like I said, I signed up for this. I knew what the game was before I jumped in. But that doesn’t mean, as a human, I can’t admit that I am here and I struggle. There is a fine line between wanting to be outwardly beautiful and needing to be outwardly beautiful. Whenever I get discouraged I make it a point to check my internal beauty. What am I doing for the people I love? What am I doing for my community? What am I doing with my other, not tangible, assets?

I have no animosity towards my fellow performers. I do not judge them and I do not think I’m better than them. But I can’t help but see how much more people are looking in the mirror instead of looking inside themselves. I don’t blame them. Even before porn this was the case. My looks were who I was. When I was bartending or waitressing - half the time I got hired wasn’t because I was overly qualified. It was because my boss wanted something for the customers to look at. I’m not crying about it. The world has worked like this since long before I was born. I’m just explaining that even though this is the world we live in - it is up to us to not let it be the only world we know. I need to check myself. I can notice when I start to become indifferent to what I see in the mirror. Indifferent to what the directors see. Indifferent to what my fans say. Not because I don’t love my job, not because I don’t want to create these sexual fantasies for you - but because I’m human. Whether we want to admit it or not - we don’t want to be defined by what is on the outside. No matter how many boys tell us we’re pretty and how many magazines publish our photos, there’s a deep desire to be recognized for something more. Why do you think I write? Why do you think I never sensor my words and I pride myself on being out-spoken? I want to know my words are just as shocking, just as influential, as my naked body or my done-up face. I want the way I treat strangers to be a reflection of who I am internally. 

I don’t want my fans to think this means I don’t care about them. You cannot take this as me wanting to let myself go and not give a fuck. I take care of who I am physically just as much as I do internally and I always will. But I do want you to know, as a performer, I can struggle too. The amount of money I make is directly linked to what I see in the mirror. Not everyone knows what that feels like every single day. So this isn’t me whining, this isn’t me quitting and this isn’t me saying I hate my career path. This is just me reminding you that I am human and I am present. I will not pretend to be something I’m not on social media for your enjoyment. I will not let a number of “followers” determine my legitimacy. I will not stop taking inventory of my soul just as often as I take inventory of my wardrobe.