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I just got back to the west coast. I took a short leave to be home with my family in some trying times. You know the one thing I remembered when I stepped off that plane is that family never changes and family is forever. 

So I got stuck in Philly because my flight to Jersey got cancelled. Of course my west coast frigid ass was freaking out. But my dad took the drive and picked me up. It was so nice to see him again. He had just come out to visit LA a couple weeks ago. I know I posted about it on Twitter and Instagram. But I don’t think you guys understand the seriousness of him coming out to see me. It took a long time for him to talk to me. It took a long time for him to accept me. I don’t blame him. Having a pornstar daughter isn’t on any fathers to-do list. But no matter, he came though. Him and I have been best friends since I can remember. So I cannot even begin to explain the happiness I felt when he said he was coming out to visit me. We had an amazing time. I remembered why we were always so close, we’re so damn similar. I love that man with all the love and respect that a daughter can feel. But anyway, I got lucky because this was the second time I got to hang out with him in the past two months. So he picked me up in Philly and we drove back to Jersey to see my mother and little sisters. Let me just tell you about my mother. This woman is a saint. She raised me. She raised my older sister and she’s raising two more girls all while being my fathers rock. I got to sit down at the dinner table with all of them, including my gracious grandmother, and have a meal.

I say that like it’s a big deal because to me it is. I always grew up knowing the dinner table is where it’s at. Every night, no matter school or work, you always come home to that dinner table. I cannot express how good it felt to be sitting there with my parents, grandparent and sisters. Me and my mom get along well. I like to push her buttons but when it comes down to it we’re some goofballs. We grabbed brunch the next day and it was great. There’s something about a mother and daughter, this woman taught me how to stand on my own two feet. Bless her.

I hung out at my grandmas house for a little while. She’s still fiery as hell. Her personality shines through, doesn’t matter how old she gets. I love my grandma. We hung out, snuck a couple drags from a cigarette I bummed from someone at the airport since her and I are supposed to be quitting. I remember being a little kid watching her make tamales on Cinco De Mayo. I still don’t know how to cook like her. Why haven’t I learned? Anyway. She lives a block from my sisters school. So of course I’m going to wait for them to get out and embarrass them. It was cold as hell out on that New Jersey school yard. I do not miss those days.

Finally they let the kids out of the school I prefer to call jail. One of my sisters has a boyfriend so I’m yelling his name trying to find him to embarrass the hell out of her. Sadly I didn’t get a chance to meet him but I will next time. Scooped up the second little sister and headed out to a surprise lunch. Those girls are so smart and growing up in an age I understand which is weird to me. It’s weird that they have social media and all that bullshit that I’m addicted to. They know what I do for a living but we don’t talk about it, they’re not old enough to have that conversation. They do still love me and respect me which is all I wanted. I can tell they’re better off than me when I was their age. They’re confident and don’t take shit from the irrelevant gossiping kids that make up our pubic school system. I’m proud of them for that. So proud. It’s sad watching them grow up. Not because I want them to be young and naive forever but because I never want to see them sad. Seeing them grown up like this just reminds me that they’re going to be in the real world soon. But the way they’re carrying themselves, I’m not so worried. I’ll be here. Just a call or a flight away. I don’t want them making the mistakes I did. They know that. They’re smart. It was such a relief to come home to two strong headed confident girls. 

I flew out there to see my Babci. That’s my grandmother on my fathers side. She was in the hospital which is why I left. I’m glad I got to see her. That amazing woman helped raise me when I was just a little bundle coming off a plane from LA. She’s been through hell and has never failed to be smiling. She gives me courage and I’m grateful that I had the means to see her. I brushed her hair while she sat in the hospital chair. I had an intense moment when I was brushing her long grey locks thinking about how much she had been through. The war and the cancer couldn’t kill her. She’s too strong. She’s inspirational. I hated when I had to say goodbye. 

I flew home last week after an intimate lunch on the way to the airport with my mother and father. We went to a hole in the wall Italian deli that my dad hadn’t been to in years. Still the same delicious mozzarella. We ate and laughed and it was that moment that I realized that this job, this stigma will not separate me from them. There isn’t a force on this earth that would tear me from the bond I have with my father, the friendship I have with my mother, the companionship I have with my sisters or the reverence I have for my grandparents. And it also made me appreciate my fiancé. When I came home to him and realized how large my family is. How large my net is. How much love is out there. It’s connections like these that makes us human.