Let me set the scene. 11:52PM. Right now I’m sitting, naked, on my bed in pitch black darkness. Crying. Nothing made me upset, nothing bad happened today, but I’m just crying. Crying and babbling to my boyfriend about God, humans, my job and everything else under the sun. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I’m in one of my depressive episodes.. No.. I don’t feel depressed. I did before though, when I first got into this thought loop that's brought me here. I felt that familiar feeling of the whole world crushing around you so tightly you feel like you’re suffocating. That feeling of inescapable depression was obvious a moment ago. It’s weird, being fine and then having something that emotionally catastrophic grip you out of no where. Anyway, it did and now it’s gone. I’ll tell you what I was babbling about.
First, I was upset because my younger sister had texted me today. She’s a preteen and in a very unstable point in her mental development and there she is sitting in the same household I grew up in being made to feel like she cannot be herself. In regards to religion, apparently, my grandmother was saying something along the lines that homosexuals are damned to hell. Which, obviously, is an opinion. Go ahead. Have your stupid opinion (yes I can call an opinion stupid because that’s my opinion). Anyway, I was angry because my little sister doesn’t feel the same way about homosexuals and same sex marriage. She has a more modern belief, the same that I have, and now she’s thrown into some personally conflicting feelings about herself and her religion. Heres where my thought loop progresses.
I’m not religious. Keep your “religion” for old bald men who fondle young boys’ dicks. I’m also not going to say I’m “spiritual”. Keep that for you flower crown wearing teenage girls and your dream catcher tattoos. I’m a good person. Yes, I believe in God. I believe in the “Christian” God and I believe in, love and often talk to Jesus. Don’t trip over your own two feet while you run over here to throw the Bible in my face because of my job. I don’t care what another human being has to say to another human being about something that is not a human being. I don’t mind what God or no God you believe in. But don’t you dare teach your children that they don’t get to use their beautifully crafted brain to choose what to believe or not to believe.
And furthermore, since we’re talking about God, the main reason I ever tried to kill myself was to meet Him. I suffer from crippling depression from time to time but the last time I was bleeding out on my kitchen floor I wasn’t thinking “I can’t wait to leave this world”. You know what I was thinking? “I cannot WAIT to FINALLY sit down with God and ask him what the fuck is going on because I hate it here”.
That’s the thing. People are so concerned with “if you do this, you go here” and “if you do this, you’ll make it to heaven”. Shut up. You know what I wish sometimes? That we were all just floating balls of consciousness. No physical features, no sexual orientation. Know what we would have then? Our personalities. Our intelligence. Our souls. Yeah, I’m an asshole. I make fun of fat people sometimes. I say mean things a lot because I’m a bitch but I’m also a really genuine person deep in my core where my soul originates. Why am I not like that 100% of the time? I don’t know. Because I’m part pretentious cunt and part compassionate angel. There’s my explanation. Hence one of the reasons I want to sit down with J Star and ask him what the hell is going on with myself and with humanity in general.
Do you see ourselves? I get shit on almost every day for what I do for a living but if you have a family, a white picked fence, go to church and beat your wife everything is fine. How backwards is that? And I’m not solely talking about religious people either. Even if you choose not to believe anything; why do you have to be such a piece of shit? Have you ever seriously sat down and asked yourself that? It’s okay to admit you’re shitty sometimes. It’s not okay to be shitty all the time. Stop judging everyone else because they don’t fit into your perfectly planned and manufactured mold of what the perfect human being should be. Since when do you get to decide what humans should be? And stop downloading your fucked up beliefs and manifestos onto your children. Why is it so hard for humans to be human? We’re all so complex, so different, unable to be copied. You don’t have the right to judge someone else when you don’t even have yourself figured out. No one, literally no one, has figured themselves out completely.
A humans journey is so long, so complicated and has so many variables that you cannot possibly have it down. So please shut the fuck up, hold a door open for someone, spare some change, ask that girl you like out or do something because we only have one thing in common: in the future, we’re dead.