Hey ladies and gents! I know I haven’t written anything in a while and I’m sorry for that. I’ve been so busy facilitating my move from Brooklyn to Los Angeles but it’s all finally settled! I’m currently sitting poolside in my new complex really taking it all in. I can’t even describe how grateful I am for the past year. It’s amazing to have someone like Zakarii in my life who has uprooted everything he had on the east coast to come with me to California. He’s been my rock for a couple years now and this move wasn’t easy on either of us. All I can say is it seems life is starting to fall into place nicely. However, I never seem to let myself really relax and that’s what this post is going to be about. A lot of you follow me on Twitter and I’ve openly talked about my anxiety and depression. A few of you have personally contacted me asking if I could write about my experiences having to do with those struggles. I know that for whatever reason adult actresses seem to strike society and their fans as though we’re not just another human trying to figure out this thing called life. Well I’m as flawed and as human as you can get, I think it’s important to admit that to really live a happy life.
I’m going to start off by saying I had the problems I’m going talk to about in this post my entire life. I didn’t start realizing how much they affected every day life until I got much older. I also didn’t start looking at myself internally until the past couple of years. It all started when I was very young and my emotions seemed uncontrollable. Now I haven’t been clinically diagnosed but I will start seeing a psychiatrist in the next few months because it’s never too late to start dealing with your problems. Many people have described my “problem” as Borderline Personality Disorder. Now I’m not going to say I have this but I will explain what I have felt like ever since I was a child.
My whole life I thought everyone felt the way I did. I thought everyone dealt with uncontrollable emotions that were always on either side of the spectrum. I never felt like it was possible to be at a level state of mind. I could never just be. What it feels like is once an emotion grabs a hold of you… your mind, body and soul exaggerate that emotion to it’s farthest capabilities. For example when I’m happy, excited or relaxed it’s the best feeling in the world, unstoppable and I feel as if nothing could ever make me any happier in my whole life. I can stay like that for a while, but this is the same for negative emotions. It’s not just sadness for me. A simple negative emotion doesn’t register in my head. When I start to feel sadness, regret, worry or any negative emotion- it’s swallows me whole. This shift is so dramatic and so real that sometimes I feel like I’m insane and have different personalities. When I was a child I started cutting myself up around age eleven. This happened when one day I was in one of my fits. A fit where I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t see and all I felt was heat and anger through my whole body. And I remember it wasn’t even a situation which warranted that strong of an emotion. Without even thinking I grabbed a glass display piece with sharp edges in my room and sliced my arm open multiple times. I didn’t realize what I was doing until the pain hit me. This is the day I fell in love with self-mutilation.
Different people will have different reasons for hurting themselves and mine was that because when I feel emotion so uncontrollably the pain was the only thing that was a constant and always stayed the same. It was the only thing that would cease a fit of rage, sadness or worry. I went through life always on an upswing or downswing. I never knew what it felt like to be normal. It was like being in choppy water out in the ocean. Constantly up and down. Never level headed. Never able to rest. Soon my self mutilation became apparent and I don’t blame my parents for not knowing what to do. They were convinced it was a phase and would eventually end. I continued living life in extremes. Wether it be my personality, my actions or my beliefs- they were always changing and shifting with my emotional state.
These constant shifts started to make me feel insane and my depression began to increase to a dangerous level. Self mutilation was no longer enough to make the severity of the up and downs stop. Now, when I talk about trying to kill myself the actual life event wasn’t the thing driving me to do it. It was the years of my emotions getting further and further from normal and closer and closer to insanity. All I wanted was to feel level. At sixteen years old I held a .357 magnum to my head for an hour trying to make the madness in my mind stop. At nineteen years old I shot up as much heroin as I could get my hands on and went to sleep that night fully believing I would be dead by morning. And at twenty-two years old I sliced my wrist open and bled out on my kitchen floor. These three instances in my life were all periodic points where my ability to only comprehend emotions in extremes almost got me killed.
When I started using drugs I thought it was because I was young and going through a phase. Not until I lost all my friends, shut out my family and was homeless did I realize I had a problem. Every time I stuck a needle in my veins it was an escape I had never felt before. I had finally found my level place. Mind you, I only did heroin once in my life which was when I tried to kill myself with it. I was an MDMA junkie and surprisingly enough, yes, you can shoot that shit up. From being a young child who had “out of control tantrums” to being a young woman who couldn’t feel normal unless she was high out of her mind… it wasn’t until I stopped using the drugs that things started to become clear. I had no control. I wasn’t level. I couldn’t just feel emotion like a normal person. And I needed to do something about it.
Now, I’m an advocate for psychedelics. They’ve been scientifically proven to cure alcoholism and depression. Granted, self medicating is not legal nor advised especially if you have no idea what you’re doing. I refuse to get into the subject in detail but all I will say is psychedelics saved my life. I had never done them before two years ago and slowly they’ve began to make a huge impact on my mental health. They’ve helped my brain make connections that it physically will not make on its own. It’s turned me from a selfish pretentious cunt into a woman who knows she's not perfect, who accepts her flaws and who genuinely tries to see every human as what they are- a fellow human. I’m not cured but the ups and downs are getting easier to notice and control which is important to me.
Depression doesn’t fall over me as often, but it still happens. My boyfriend and a very good friend of mine have seen me in this state. Whether it lasts days or weeks- it’s not pretty. Anyone who’s never experienced clinical depression should never be quick to judge someone who has. It feels like drowning. It feels like you are so deep in a feeling so horrible that you’ve given up trying to gasp for air because there is none. Anxiety is just as painful. Anxiety usually is what leads me into depression but sometimes it’s just an every day thing I have to train myself to deal with. It will sneak up on me out of no where and it is crippling. There’s not always a rhyme or reason for either of these things which is what terrifies me.
I grew up with people who didn’t believe in mental illness. People who have the nerve to tell me “just stop being sad”. You would never tell a person with a broken arm to “just get bet better”. All I can do is encourage anyone who knows someone struggling with depression and/or anxiety to accept the fact you will not understand the depths of their pain and confusion. It’s important for you to stay positive and constantly let them know you are there for them, no matter how deeply they fall- when you rise out of that hole it is the most amazing feeling to have someone standing there beside you.
It’s been almost a year since I’ve fallen into my deepest bout of depression. I have the support of my boyfriend, my friends and the abilities that psychedelics have given me to look at myself internally. All I want to say is to those who struggle with the severe ups and downs, the ceaseless anxiety and the crippling depression— it’s important to understand you can’t go through it alone. It wasn’t until I found support and community that I began truly dealing with how difficult it is to live like this. And to those who know someone dealing with disorders like these— you need to be understanding. These feelings and these personality shifts are very real and very devastating. To this day sometimes I feel like I’m trapped inside my mind screaming while various emotions take control.
I’m flawed and I’m okay with that. Life is about dealing with the hand you're dealt best you can, not quitting the whole game.
Break the negative stigmas associated with people suffering from mental illness. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. #StopTheStigma