So here I sit on this plane stuffed with impatient passengers. Lucky for me I paid to sit in the first row with enough leg room and vodka to keep me quiet for a long flight to Los Angeles. In a few hours I will be back in California for a couple weeks worth of shooting porn. I'm working on some big things which I'm so excited about being produced. While I sit here, listening to my favorite Odesza song I'm taking some time to think about this career I've chosen. I'm thinking about how my family has reacted to it, how strangers react to it, how society reacts to it. There are so many things I've learned after being in this industry for just eight months. I was warned from the beginning that this job can create you into a different person, someone you may not like. However, I've been finding myself in a more comfortable state of existence with each passing day, each passing flight, each passing cum shot. It may be an arrogant thing to say I thoroughly enjoy the disapproval and disrespect I encounter. I love it because I make people uncomfortable. There's this bubble of acceptability that everyone seems to live inside of and I'll be damned if I don't enjoy a chance to pop it.
Why do we think the way we do when something is foreign to us? The thing is... the people who judge me because of my profession have no knowledge of what they hate. This makes them ignorant. I have no problem with people having different opinions. One of my favorite human gifts is our ability to decide things for ourselves but there's something darker to the perceptions of sex workers. Why are we so afraid of such a natural act? Why does it rub people the wrong way when they see a woman breast feeding in public? Why do parents fast forward through sex scenes when they watch a movie with their teenager? Why does being a sex worker directly relate to people thinking you're lesser? Originally I was worried that this career path would change me into a person that I wasn't proud of, but I have never felt more proud. Like I've mentioned before my whole life I wore different masks, played all kinds of charades for the people in my life. Always searching for a pat on the back, a word of approval, a feeling of acceptance. What a pathetic way to live my life. This job has alienated me in a comforting way. It's taught me that the last thing on my list is the approval of others and the first thing is the approval of myself.
How could I expect a world drenched in slut-shaming to accept me? A woman can't even make the conscious decision to be promiscuous without being judged. Listen to that word: promiscuous. There is nothing negative about the act of choosing what goes inside your vagina but still when you hear the word it's dark and unsavory. I always knew I was fascinated by sex, men, women and different perversions. I was demonized for this. I wasn't allowed to make a decision about my stance on sexuality without taking into consideration what other people would think. Of course I struggled with self-hatred and was self-deprecating. Here I was having the world tell me how wrong I was, how dirty I was, how disgusting I was.
What sickens me even more is the people who advocate for sexual freedom but draw the line of freedom at sex work. Today if an adult performer is beaten or raped there's a sense of acceptance of it because of their profession. That means society is directly relating what you do for a living to your worth as a human. I think we've forgotten that we're all the same creation, we all hold the same value. You're going to tell me because I have sex on camera instead of sitting in a cubicle I shouldn't be surprised if I'm raped? That it "comes with the territory"? What if I said a girl wearing a short dress should understand she was raped because it "comes with the territory"? Rage.
I can't pinpoint when the human body and sexual desires became shameful but it's done no good for the human race. My choice to be an adult actress is seen as a back up plan because I've failed at something. No one has even taken into consideration I am capable of anything and I made the conscious decision to make porn. I love my job. I love the friends I've made. I love the scenes I've been a part of. I love my fans. I love who I am. I'm in a better place physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually than the people telling me how fucked up I am. And what's wrong with being a little fucked up anyway? We all are. The house mom standing behind a white picketed fence, the fat goth kid sitting in the corner at school, the crisp business man getting into his Escalade. Every human has their demons no matter how much pussy they eat or dick they suck.
My job, my sexuality and my decisions are no more or less acceptable than the next persons. The ground you walk on is no better than mine, except there's probably more cum where I stand.
Coexistence isn't difficult because people are all different. Coexistence is difficult because people think we should all be the same.