I have a few things I want to talk about this week and I’m going to get straight to my points. This past week was something really special for multiple reasons. First off, I had chance to finally ditch LA for a few days and visit family. I usually have some apprehension doing this because of the strained relationship I have with my father. But having even a second to see my mother and sisters always makes it worth it. Well I expected it to be the typical family visit: pretty awkward and me trying to get out of the situation as quickly as possible to avoid any conversations that may escalate to someone judging me for my career path again. But this time was different. We hung out, laughed and goofed around like we did when I was younger and still lived with them. We sat down at the dinner table together and enjoyed a meal. Tacos, in case anyone is wondering, and my mother is part Mexican - she makes amazing homemade tortillas. You missed out. Anyway, somehow the stars aligned just right and I got to enjoy my family.
My father brought me outside in the chilly east coast breeze which was refreshing. He wanted to make it clear to me that because of what he believes about my job he battles with a lot of anger inside of him and for that reason our relationship’s been strained. Sure, it still got under my skin that he made it a point to say that I am indeed wrong, that I will indeed see the error of my ways - but I’ll give him that. People have a right to their beliefs. I had to let that slide because here my dad was apologizing for not making it clear that he loves me just because he’s angry. And as he’s realizing to simply love me for me, I didn’t realize I was learning to love him for him. My fathers old fashioned belief system and refusal to adapt with our constantly changing world has always angered me very very deeply. It’s made me hold a lot of distain towards him but I learned this week that I have to let that go too. Just like he thinks I’ll see the error in my ways, I think he’ll see the error in his. But what’s the point of that? All we are - are two very different belief systems clashing with each other over and over causing a really painful drift in our father/daughter relationship. So he can hate my job and not understand why I’m doing it. I can hate his close mindedness and not understand why he believes it. But I won’t base my love for someone off of how different they are from me. I’ll base it off who they are as a human. He has his flaws and I have mine, but he means well which is what counts.
The divide I had with my dad is a divide I think a lot of people experience whether it be on a smaller or larger level. This person doesn’t believe what I believe. This person wasn’t raised the way I was raised. This person doesn’t get paid the same I get paid. This person doesn’t wear what I wear. This person doesn’t think what I think. This person doesn’t look the way I look. This person is different. Sure, it’s great to meet someone you have some things in common with but how boring, how tasteless is your life when you live in a comfortable bubble surrounded by other people also living inside a comfortable bubble. You’re not special if you retain who you are as a person around other people who are just like you. You don’t have a personality if you can’t be yourself around people who don’t agree with you. You aren’t doing the gift of being a human justice if you can’t even retain your individuality but also retain your respect for people who are different than you. I love my father because he has many demons and many things fighting against him but he battles them with a good soul and good intentions. He doesn’t have to agree with my career or what I believe in. He’s a completely different person, how dare I expect anyone to agree with me? That’s just as selfish as him expecting me to agree with him. How dare you expect people to be the same as you? You’re entitled to your individuality just as much as the next person. Burning bridges isn’t always the answer and sometimes, I know now, building bridges feels great too.
Another highlight of my trip back to the east coast was the fact I got to go up on stage at the 2015 Inked Awards and accept their ‘Starlet of the Year’ award. My heart was racing when they listed off the nominees and when they called my name the first thing I thought was “This must be a typo”. Why did I think that? I think it’s just because I kept my expectations low and didn’t hype myself up, just so if I didn’t win I wouldn’t be disappointed. I wanted to be able to congratulate whoever won with an honest and jealous free heart. But hell yeah, I won! You can see the video of me being a goof, accepting the trophy here on YouTube or here in the "videos" section of this website! For some reason I’m self-deprecating sometimes and stupid thoughts came into my head like “I didn’t actually do anything for this” which in respect to not knowing Inked Awards was a thing until I heard I was nominated, that’s slightly true. However, I did a lot for this. Now let me clarify and preface everything I’m about to say that this is in zero way related to or geared towards any of the fellow nominees. I know a couple of those girls and they had just as much of a shot as me. What I’m saying is it’s very difficult for me to let myself feel proud but frankly, it shouldn’t be.
Now everything I’m saying is going to sound very off to a lot of people who read my blog. “Oh she’s sooo proud of sucking dick well” or “Wow you won an award for taking it in the ass, great job slut”. Which I think is funny, because this usually comes from the people who live mediocre lives, the people simply getting through day after day by the skin of their teeth. I’ve always been proud of my work ethic. Whether I’m bussing tables or sucking dick I give 150% of my effort 100% of the time. Holy shit she’s talking about ‘work ethic’ and shooting porn. Damn right I am. People think women and men in this industry wake up around noon, fuck until one o’clock, get a fat check and mosey home. I fucking wish. Now I will never sit here and say my job is the hardest. I’m sure the brave men inhaling coal dust right now wouldn’t appreciate that. What I am saying is work ethic exists if you’re pushing a pencil every day and work ethic exists if you’re getting a dick in your ass. I’ve had a job since I was fourteen years old and I’ve been taught since I was stacking wood for the winter, raking leaves in the fall or picking up all the dog shit in the yard - no matter what you do, you do not half ass it.
Having a strong work ethic has a lot to do with integrity and, personally, I feel like that is a huge reason I was honored with this award. Hey, I could be totally wrong. I could have happened to have fucked just right in just the right scene and just the right person saw it and I won. Who fucking knows, you know? But damn it if I don’t get a chance to say I have integrity when it comes to getting my ass to work and doing my job. A lot of people don’t know what it actually entails to create good porn and I don’t really expect them to. But just over a year in this industry and I’ve met plenty of characters. The ones who slide by doing bare minimum, the ones who are just complacent in their performing and the ones who work their asses off. The ones who work their asses off are who I look up to. It’s impressive to me and I love meeting performers like that. They deliver. They have integrity. They know that it’s not just us involved. It’s the director, the photographer, the PAs, the makeup artists and the porn company in it’s entirety. Everyone is affected by us as performers. Things like showing up on time, bringing wardrobe or being sober after a good nights sleep seem trivial but they’re not. And I’ve made mistakes. I fucked up and got tested too late once and ruined an entire scene. That broke me. Not because I didn’t get paid that day but because no one else got paid that day because of my mistake. I never let that happen again. So what am I really saying? Just do your job, whether you love it or hate it, do it well. Come at me all you want for mixing the words ‘integrity’ and ‘sucking dick’ in the same thought process but when was the last time you did anything 150%? If you’re working at McDonald’s, sell the fuck out of that garbage food and smile while you’re doing it. If you’re working under a shitty ungrateful boss, go the extra mile and keep your fucking head down. And if you’re doing that ganging, girlfriend, take a few dicks in your pussy and one in the ass for good measure.
I’m proud of that work ethic I’ve had instilled in me from a young age, I think that’s carried over in my ability to have a functioning relationship too. I don’t run and hide when everything isn’t perfect and I don’t rely on anyone else to make things happen on my end except me. I’ve gotten much better at not playing the blame game, accepting my faults and loving his while we both work. I feel like that’s the problem with a lot of women and men I’ve experienced in life. For some reason they grew up believing if you love someone no work should be involved in the relationship. I know girls that will leave a guy high and dry literally because she “didn’t feel butterflies anymore”. Are you thirteen years old? I know the difference between not being compatible with someone and not wanting to work with someone. Zakarii and I met under very imperfect circumstances and initially had a lot of struggles. And we’re no where near perfect and that’s what makes me happy, realizing we’re not supposed to be perfect. When he proposed to me this weekend I saw an imperfect man on his knee asking me to be willing to stand by him for the rest of our lives and I had zero doubt in my mind that I wanted to do that.
Can we take a minute and look at what a relationship is? You, who are not perfect, and another human being, who is not perfect, got together. You two are compatible on some levels and not compatible on others. You two found a spark somewhere whether it be physical attraction, love at first sight, something they said, something they did or any other reason. Either way, you two are trying to coexist in each other’s vastly different universes. How can things not get choppy? I came from a pretty damaged childhood that has definitely affected me an adult. He had a very content and happy childhood and a great relationship with his parents. Just those two things could cause drama in a relationship. Whether it be envy from me towards him because I didn’t have what he had. Or frustration from him towards me because he can’t understand why I feel the pain I do sometimes. But that’s what happens because people live in such different worlds than everyone else. Sonder is a word that fascinates me. It’s definition is the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed (source). Now can you imagine why smooshing two people into a possibly lifelong relationship together, loosely based on mutual attraction, could get really fucking messy? I feel like if we do take a huge step back and realize this maybe relationships and love wouldn’t be so terrifying or so complicated.
I’ve really found my best self in him and I think that’s something important to look for. I’ve been with men that, for whatever reason, brought out the worst in me. There’s a difference between having difficulties in a relationship and having a seriously toxic relationship. It feels good to want to make him happy. Whether that be by staying up to give him a hug and a kiss after a very long day at work or doing the dishes on his day off so he doesn’t have to. Do you have any idea how many women have actually told me I shouldn’t cook for him and I shouldn’t clean the house because that’s “perpetuating gender roles”? If you’re worried about “perpetuating gender roles” in your relationship I think you have bigger problems than washing a mug. Relationships are about equality. If he’s been at work all day and I haven’t, I’m going to pick up the slack. If I’ve been working all day and he has some free time, he’s going to do the same. I was raised in household where the man was the head of the situation and the woman was below him. I cannot express, after growing up seeing many relationships like that, how grateful I am to be in a relationship where we are equal, where we are a team. Anyway, all I’m saying is stop being a catty, jealous bitch or an aggressive, immature dick.
It’s even more important to realize that loving someone despite their faults is important. While you get frustrated at his/hers depression or their cry for attention why don’t you take a minute for some introspection. I’m sure there are many faults on your end too. Sure, people get frustrated at each other because that’s normal. But you can’t throw in the towel whenever you’re reminded that this human in front of you is flawed. If you’re a team then work together on things like a team. “I hate that he texts other girls for attention.” Well why is he doing that? You’re an adult, differentiate between him just being a player or if something deeper is causing that distance between you and his desperate need to be noticed. “I hate that she is so jealous.” Well why is she? Instead of your first reaction being anger find out if she’s just crazy or if she gets jealous because she’s been played before or because she has a fear of losing someone she loves. I mean these are just two examples and I’m not saying I’m a relationship expert because I’m fucking not at all. It’s just something to think about. This week inspired me in some major ways and I felt a serious need to express them openly.
I also just want to express how freeing it felt to set foot back in New York City. For some reason people take it upon themselves to give me a lot of shit because I wasn’t born and raised there but I talk about it like it’s my home. That’s because it is. I moved out on my own when I was a teenager straight into Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn. I spent my next few years there, moving around different hoods throughout Manhattan and Brooklyn. I had just overcome a very difficult and dark part of my life and here I found myself on my own in that city. New York helped me develop into who I am today. Every street I walked down at 2AM, every person I met who made me laugh, every restaurant I ate at, every park I sat in waiting for the acid to kick in - I’ve never felt what home feels like until I was there. This past week was beautiful and comforting knowing somewhere on the Brooklyn Bridge is the center of my universe.
Thanks again to whoever has made it down this far in one of my very long blog posts! I said I was going to take a bunch of photos from this weekend but I didn’t because I suck. I’ve added a few within this post but I’m sorry there’s not more. If anyone finds all those fucking people on the Brooklyn Bridge who were cheering and taking photos of him proposing to me, tell them to stop being greedy and email this bitch her proposal photos. Thanks again to everyone keeping up with my website, I hope you’re enjoying it.
Also, check out my new "Favorite Song of the Week" on my home page for some good vibes!