Why that Starbucks, that day at that time? I didn't even want coffee. But apparently the Universe had a different agenda and honestly I was more than happy to oblige. The vibes work the way the vibes work, it's not my call.
I was experiencing a down curve for the past few days. The depression hit earliest in the morning and made functioning next to impossible. The hope that's been researched behind microdosing psychedelics is something I've been interested in for a long time but never pursued. But now I will. My day leads to a thought provoking hike about what it truly means to be naked in ourselves and unashamed of it.
Sometimes we, as humans, just want to crawl into a dark hole in the wall and wallow in self pity. I've always felt like an outcast; no matter who loves me, marries me or is related to me. It's a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. I have to take it in stride. I was alone in a crowded bar full of people, but if this makes sense - I went there looking for trouble so I could test myself to not get into trouble.
Keeping a job and being successful with a job are two things that are difficult on a normal, every day basis. Throwing mental disorders into that while trying to juggle reality with not falling apart at work doesn't make the situation any better. I'm defintley on a down slope right now which makes sense why I'm feeling this way. It's just not easy being an indpendent adult when you're fighting your own mind.
In the wake of a psychotic episode I turn to the healing powers of psychedelics. Normally I trip once a month to regulate my Bipolar 1 but it had been over four months since my last meditation on them which sent my mood swings spiraling out of control. Gladly I was able to heal this weekend. Thank you to my loved ones for staying by my side in terrifying moments.
One of the side effects of BP1 is insomnia. I know a lot of young and older people alike who suffer from it chronically. I'm on edge lately but I honestly think it will get better after I trip in a few weeks. Just to anyone who suffers from sleepless nights, you're not alone, please seek help.
So many questions and queries about love. That's been going on since the beginning of time. Why is it so complicated? Why are girls always searching for this non existent perfect guy and why are guys searching for this hassle free woman? Love is painted as something that should come easily when it's something difficult. Something to work on. It needs to be kneaded, molded, built and sustained.
"Rapid cycling is defined as four or more manic, hypomanic or depressive episodes in any 12-month period. With rapid cycling, mood swings can quickly go from low to high and back again and occur over periods of a few days and sometimes even hours." -Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
Psychoactive substances like psychedelics and dissociatives, including analogs of big old scary PCP, are things that have true spiritual purpose if used correctly. I don't advise people to do them. I don't advise people to get involved in things they don't understand. But this is my world. My healing process. My journey.
I don't think I've explained what a rage fit feels like. What sucks the most is when I have a great few months and then something like this happens. It's not that I expected my problems to be cured, it's simply a sore reminder that this is a lifelong work in progress. Might as well be honest about the bad as well as the good.
Living with mental illness has caused problems my whole life. But only now after getting help have I truly realized what an impact it's had on my relationships with the people around me. It seems things have been just as painful and confusing for those on the outside.
I truly feel like I've gone through an evolution. It was the aftermath of a very dark depressive episode but I made it out. I want everyone to realize how amazing it is to be human, to feel and to have a future. Things will be changing soon but I'll still be here!
Beauty is a huge part of our life but I can't help but notice that internal beauty is put on the back burner more often than not. I struggle with this because of the industry I'm in - but I can't let the face I see in the mirror be the only thing I care about.
Family is such an integral part of our lives. Sometimes they're a good influence on us and sometimes not so much - but I know I wouldn't be who I am without my family and a trip back home really solidified how much they mean to me.
Mental illness isn't something anyone wants to talk about, even today. We've come so far as a society but the stigma attached to anyone who suffers from addiction, depression or anxiety is still strong. My life has been a rollercoaster of signs that ultimately have led me to the realization that I do suffer from mental illness. I've been at rock bottom and now I finally feel that I've risen above all my transgressions. I feel free.
Ego is a huge part of my industry. There's nothing wrong with being confident but who it says you are on paper, social media or in the hub of gossip doesn't matter to me. Who you are inside is what I care about. I'm going to do my thing and keep my soul right - even if that means avoiding people who don't feel the same way.
Feeling nostalgic about my favorite place in the world - I wrote a poem when I was in a trance of memories from back home in New York City. That city made me and my relationship. There's not an inch of Brooklyn or Manhattan that I don't have memories of falling in love.
I discuss the divide my father and I have been experiencing because of my career path but we finally find peace together. I'm crowned with the award "Starlet of the Year" during the 2015 Inked Awards. I talk about how porn and work ethic go hand in hand. I discuss my relationship, what it's like being in love and being in porn and we have a big announcment! I got to be back in NYC so of course I let you guys know how much that warmed my heart.
Call it a mental breakdown or call it a mental breakthrough - I question religion and spirituality. I'm faced with a world full of judgement and hatred. What would this world be if we were just floating balls of consciousness?
Struggling with depression has not been easy but I'm starting to learn that this is a part of me I need to accept and not condemn. There is so much painful stigma surrounding those who suffer from mental illness and it's time for that to stop. Join me and let's stop the stigma.
There's a new documentary out on Netflix about pornography and the actresses within my industry. But this is anything but an unbiased documentary. It's loosly based on facts from the mouths of immature girls who have no business being in the adult film world. I set my frustrations to the side and give an educated review on the movie "Hot Girls Wanted".
A sense of community and friendship is important. We don't need to have the biggest or most famous circle, what matters are the people who make it up. I felt a real sense of peace tonight and I just wanted to share what it felt like.
The year is 2015. Women are more liberated than ever and we know now that, just like men, we're free to express and experience our own sexuality. Whether we do it on camera or behind closed doors, the world continues to slut-shame women who don't live in the 1800s anymore. The bigotry and shaming will get us no where except back to where we started and us women refuse to go back.
Even the most "liberated" individuals draw a line at sex work. The judgement and harassment strictly based on how I make my money is unbelievable. It doesn't matter how sex positive our world becomes - sex workers seem to always land the short end of the stick. We can't be a positive world if the way we make our money is something to determine our value as humans.