Today. Finally. A full psychedelic trip. I haven’t had one in months, not since moving back to New York City. Which was my first mistake. Not following my microdosing schedule was the second detrimental mistake. Through spring and summer my episodes and alcoholism resurfaced. I thought nothing of it.
Not sure what’s happening. Maybe it’s the alcohol or all the other fucked up things I do to try and deal with these episodes. They’re getting more severe and more often. I can only communicate via poetry these days. Real words don’t grasp what I’m going through. My knuckles are white from holding on.
“Grit is that 'extra something' that separates the most successful people from the rest. It's the passion, perseverance, and stamina that we must channel in order to stick with our dreams until they become a reality.” - Travis Bradberry
Life has been easy success into difficult trials. I’m depressed and confused about where my next step is but all I know if I want to be at the top of wine class and finally prove to myself I am something larger than what I and everyone else thinks I am. Battling Bipolar and Depression is making this difficult but fuck that… I’ve been so concerned with what everyone else thinks and all the people who look up to me that I forgot about me. No more.
So many questions and queries about love. That's been going on since the beginning of time. Why is it so complicated? Why are girls always searching for this non existent perfect guy and why are guys searching for this hassle free woman? Love is painted as something that should come easily when it's something difficult. Something to work on. It needs to be kneaded, molded, built and sustained.
The vision of World Bipolar Dayis to bring world awareness to bipolar disorders and to eliminate social stigma. Get Involved. #WhatsYourStory? #BipolarStrong Read my post to get an idea of my story which is very similar to so many people struggling with this disorder.
I think I'm splitting currently. I'm proud to know that it's happening and to have the support system and ability to do what I can to keep myself together when feeling like this. I'm excited to be back to normal again but like always, time to ride it out.
It's been a month since I first began microdosing LSD. It's proven to benefit me and my struggle of living with Bipolar 1 and Borderline Personality Disorder. I think this is promising and I'm excited what the next few months of this regime will prove.
Why that Starbucks, that day at that time? I didn't even want coffee. But apparently the Universe had a different agenda and honestly I was more than happy to oblige. The vibes work the way the vibes work, it's not my call.
I was experiencing a down curve for the past few days. The depression hit earliest in the morning and made functioning next to impossible. The hope that's been researched behind microdosing psychedelics is something I've been interested in for a long time but never pursued. But now I will. My day leads to a thought provoking hike about what it truly means to be naked in ourselves and unashamed of it.
Sometimes we, as humans, just want to crawl into a dark hole in the wall and wallow in self pity. I've always felt like an outcast; no matter who loves me, marries me or is related to me. It's a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. I have to take it in stride. I was alone in a crowded bar full of people, but if this makes sense - I went there looking for trouble so I could test myself to not get into trouble.
Keeping a job and being successful with a job are two things that are difficult on a normal, every day basis. Throwing mental disorders into that while trying to juggle reality with not falling apart at work doesn't make the situation any better. I'm defintley on a down slope right now which makes sense why I'm feeling this way. It's just not easy being an indpendent adult when you're fighting your own mind.
In the wake of a psychotic episode I turn to the healing powers of psychedelics. Normally I trip once a month to regulate my Bipolar 1 but it had been over four months since my last meditation on them which sent my mood swings spiraling out of control. Gladly I was able to heal this weekend. Thank you to my loved ones for staying by my side in terrifying moments.
One of the side effects of BP1 is insomnia. I know a lot of young and older people alike who suffer from it chronically. I'm on edge lately but I honestly think it will get better after I trip in a few weeks. Just to anyone who suffers from sleepless nights, you're not alone, please seek help.
"Rapid cycling is defined as four or more manic, hypomanic or depressive episodes in any 12-month period. With rapid cycling, mood swings can quickly go from low to high and back again and occur over periods of a few days and sometimes even hours." -Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
Psychoactive substances like psychedelics and dissociatives, including analogs of big old scary PCP, are things that have true spiritual purpose if used correctly. I don't advise people to do them. I don't advise people to get involved in things they don't understand. But this is my world. My healing process. My journey.
I don't think I've explained what a rage fit feels like. What sucks the most is when I have a great few months and then something like this happens. It's not that I expected my problems to be cured, it's simply a sore reminder that this is a lifelong work in progress. Might as well be honest about the bad as well as the good.
Living with mental illness has caused problems my whole life. But only now after getting help have I truly realized what an impact it's had on my relationships with the people around me. It seems things have been just as painful and confusing for those on the outside.
I truly feel like I've gone through an evolution. It was the aftermath of a very dark depressive episode but I made it out. I want everyone to realize how amazing it is to be human, to feel and to have a future. Things will be changing soon but I'll still be here!
Beauty is a huge part of our life but I can't help but notice that internal beauty is put on the back burner more often than not. I struggle with this because of the industry I'm in - but I can't let the face I see in the mirror be the only thing I care about.
Family is such an integral part of our lives. Sometimes they're a good influence on us and sometimes not so much - but I know I wouldn't be who I am without my family and a trip back home really solidified how much they mean to me.
Mental illness isn't something anyone wants to talk about, even today. We've come so far as a society but the stigma attached to anyone who suffers from addiction, depression or anxiety is still strong. My life has been a rollercoaster of signs that ultimately have led me to the realization that I do suffer from mental illness. I've been at rock bottom and now I finally feel that I've risen above all my transgressions. I feel free.
Ego is a huge part of my industry. There's nothing wrong with being confident but who it says you are on paper, social media or in the hub of gossip doesn't matter to me. Who you are inside is what I care about. I'm going to do my thing and keep my soul right - even if that means avoiding people who don't feel the same way.
Feeling nostalgic about my favorite place in the world - I wrote a poem when I was in a trance of memories from back home in New York City. That city made me and my relationship. There's not an inch of Brooklyn or Manhattan that I don't have memories of falling in love.
I discuss the divide my father and I have been experiencing because of my career path but we finally find peace together. I'm crowned with the award "Starlet of the Year" during the 2015 Inked Awards. I talk about how porn and work ethic go hand in hand. I discuss my relationship, what it's like being in love and being in porn and we have a big announcment! I got to be back in NYC so of course I let you guys know how much that warmed my heart.
Call it a mental breakdown or call it a mental breakthrough - I question religion and spirituality. I'm faced with a world full of judgement and hatred. What would this world be if we were just floating balls of consciousness?
Struggling with depression has not been easy but I'm starting to learn that this is a part of me I need to accept and not condemn. There is so much painful stigma surrounding those who suffer from mental illness and it's time for that to stop. Join me and let's stop the stigma.